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Clarion t-shirt
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Week 1
I'm
here for a **ing
bender,
and by God I'm going to have one.
Crouching
shower, hidden toilet paper
There's
a big difference between saying "can I come in, Mrs Smith" and
"can I come in Mrs Smith".
The
sentences are like the dwarves.
Do
you like a bit? (said by guy to a girl)
 Which
aisle do I go to for the plots and inspiration? (Said in supermarket)
Choose
an apocalypse. I don't care, there are so many to choose from.
All
tears and drugs aside...
I've
ticked the loser box.
Oh
no... horrible.. horrible... yuck yuck... oh yuck... oh god! (A particularly
succinct and hilarious-at-the-time review)
How
did the desert sands get to the middle of town?
Oh
so this how you become an SF writer.. you just shorten the words!
Where's
the dogs versus aliens?
I
want more evidence of non-consensual ear poking.
How
did the tongue in the jar get past customs?
Which
head is he shaking? There's quite a selection in that room
Person
A: I'm aiming to be a bitch. Person B: Congratulations.
We can't understand this human culture, so let's just cut off a few heads.
There's
snakes everywhere and you want to have a snuggle around with them.
The
rats in the belts were a high point for me.
Get
the cliche to turn on its back and scream.
The
butt-fucking scene went just a little too far.
Go
away! Can't you see we're writers exposing ourselves? (Said to cleaner)
I
have a heart of stone, and this had an emotional payoff for me. Maybe
I was just hungover and tired.
Put
the Cat down.
You
have way too many lamas.
Let's
have pink anger, purple anger, let's go get a pizza anger.
Ticking
boxes is how you conquer the world.
Watch
those danglers.
It
shat me to tears.
That's
dog's balls, basically.
He
should really fuck Odin over.
Any
story with swords in it has to have something going for it.
Vampire
priests are very cool.
No
muppets in this one, thank God.
If
there's no storm outside, there's no point in going to the graveyard.
I
wrote this story because I hate my fucking day job.
I'm
a viewpoint bimbo
Beware
the infodump flashback
Have
I covered you in enough superlatives?
If
they're a bad person, I'd like to see them die.
I
bet I'm the only tutor who cries
Why
didn't they prepare the heads?
She's
lost her body, and that's great
I
don't think there are enough purple muumuus in contemporary science fiction
I
can lose a muumuu or two
More
violence and oppression is always good
Head
hopping is somewhat suitable for a story about brains in vats
"Somewhat"
is simply the worst word in the English language, don't ever use it
I
think you need more horror - say she wakes up and finds she has a fat
ass and two enormous boobs
If
you're not sucking it up out of the carpet, you're not enjoying it
The
moment when my suspension of disbelief was no longer suspended was...
Dimensions
are boiling off here
Why
not use the present tense? Fuck, I can't believe I just said that
Every
story needs a dangling dad
No
one's ever been shot at a critique before. Die motherfucker!
If
he gives me a literary copout ending I'm gonna nut him.
You
need to stick a bit of wanky physics in there.
Make
it more shit!
I'll
returgicate my tomments for the class. (Said after one glass of champagne)
The
alien sounds like my mum, and she's not a very interesting person
I
was looking for the sword, and found a pillow
You
missed the battle in your own story
It
was like getting stoned and watching beautiful paintings all day
There's
a bit of a murder
I
know he is the original cardboard cutout military villain
Maybe
that's why he gets cancer: it's the sex
A
corral for ugly people! I wanna look!
I
saw muppets
Lashings
of infidelity
For
me she wasn't an "oops" person
Maybe
use one of those Viking names, like "concert-watcher"
It
lends itself to the porn version: O Carolan's Ring
I
was waiting for the fairies
I
wrote a couple of comments that don't make any sense in the cold light
of day
What
happens if there's a baby boom and there's not enough honour to go round?
It's
like a kid with the chemistry set who makes the worst smell
You've
got an idea machine in your head ... it's a V8
As
you know Bob, I'm ovulating and you're handy.
My
bum fell out.
My
bum fell out again.
My
bum fell out AGAIN.
Week
2
You
lose a lot of your high-brow product placement.
The
brain eating: loved it.
Just
eat my fucking brains, NOW.
I
didn't figure out how the evil brain muncher did it.
He
doesn't even talk like an aging, straight neurochemist with refined
tastes.
I
want zombies in frockcoats.
I
really like you, but I want to eat your brains.
It
was a sixty second sex scene, so I thought that was why he had an affair.
I
loved the nipple bit, that was my oooh moment.
I
want to see her use the large bottom at the end.
Some
of the thaumatalogical gobbledegook should go.
You're
desperately in need of an evil nasty sprite.
There's
a love story, two sidekicks, two premises, a mad scientist and his invention,
and then there's the ladies' auxiliary.
Thank
you for the buttocks and the up the front thing.
Showing
early drafts is like showing people your sputum: "Here's what I coughed
up".
I'm
just a text slut.
I'm
not Faith Popcorn.. .don't ask me.
I
give a big fat ditto to Brendan.
You
will dig up my grave and build on my territory, and that's the lesson
of history
I
love the idea of gathering whispers
First
drafts are made to be crappy
Even
if her mother is a temptress herself...
Where
are the fucking priests?
Oh,
the King was firing blanks
You've
got to control what the reader thinks
Great
stuff: bodies being burned and sitting on couches
I'm
the one who doesn't get the penis jokes.
Some
clones end up at St Vinnies
Judge
Dredd gets away with it, because he's a psycho killer
It's
a don't-get-too-up-yourself fable
She's
a toilet evangelist
Give
them typhoid - something that doesn't require water
Consider
bacteria in a gigantic vat for food
They
should be swimming in KY jelly.
I
had to strike a blow for the Kerry Packers of this world
I
want everyone to have BO
They
have a KY moat with dried piranhas
You're
the bullet point generation
We'll
give you a smacking, it's guaranteed
You're
the backpack of Notre Dame (tutor to organiser).
Yeah..
okay. (Organiser to tutor).
If
Stephen King can get away with writing about a finger coming up out of
the sink, we can get away with anything.
If
you feel like hyphenating, don't
I
want to be in hellspawn
This
is fantastic: these guys are going psycho and they're going to kill everyone
I
get to be geek girl all day
All
that boss stuff: whatever
He
wasn't a woof person to me
Where
was the unicorn?
I
thought everyone was having orgies: there were couples, threesomes and
throngs
No
shmeerps, no nargenflumps
This
is a nargenflump free zone
It's
offensive, but not in an offensive way
She's
got a long tongue - is she in fact a goanna?
It's
a rolling, gaping, dripping modifier
Do
they have to be big black sexual parts?
What's
that sacrificial altar doing at the top of the minaret?
Radical,
tubular, bodacious
Why
be obsessed if you can't enjoy it?
I
think that I shall never see a frothy Sarah for my tree
As
soon as you ask for fantasy you get these foaming tree people
I
loved clones, pizza and slang
Teal
is the only acceptable shade of green at Clarion South
We're
all living on the edge of a dish
It's
all tentacles and pink otters
I
was waiting for the eldritch to come up and it did - like Edgar Allan
Poe bingo
I
was really upset when you killed the monster with everything on it
It's
a Faberge whatever, but we don't know what it is
It's
angelcam!
An
actual plan would be cool
You
need to Gormenghast up the front of the story
You
have one of the MTV gangsta rappers on page 2: fatheaded highborn arse
You
were talking history here and you could have been making scones
You
don't need the dial set to 11, setting it to six would work
The
Medici lion is in his lap
Anti-bloody-ditto
I
love all the noses at the carnival
I
love the bit where he "somehow" kills the demon
I
think this quacks like a duck
This
tastes like Brendan and I'm loving it - but I haven't finished eating
it
As
soon as you've got an inquisitor I want to read on
Love
the bagging the hare bit, sucking the eyes out
I
thought you could cut the scars out
Love
the monotremes, those egg laying weirdos
I
was bored shitless
He
doesn't use drugs, he takes medicine
Ing,
ing, ing, ing, everybody loves ing
The
skid marks thing - I was somewhere else
The
large natives.. or as I was framing them, the rodents of unusual size
You've
got people milling around the mill
I
went to my cell
We
had so many danglers we could have made a mobile
The
invasion of the pants could really go somewhere
I
thought it was a mule, then realised it wasn't, because it had a cargo
compartment
I
don't write with my ego, I strut with my ego
If
you're going to steal from someone, steal from the greats, you won't leave
as a thief
Love
the brain eating trope
Bring
on the cannibal sex stories
You've
lost the anti-langorous crowd
It's
hit the cannibalism trajectory
Mr
Stinky was delightful
I
want to go further into his grotty little gameboy head
I
want more Martian shit
You
need a hand symbol too
Forgive
me if I don't start with "darling"
What
passage - his back passage?
Any
story that begins with a guy wanting to kill a redheaded woman has gotta
be shit.
Fuck
the redemption - let him keep the device.
Week
3
I
loved the gentle melancholy it was dressed in
I
couldn't think of anything else except my left knee
90%
of 600-page novels are 270-page novels trying to get out
Sheared
beaver? ....I'll just leave it there
The
beaver reference - not good down here
I'm
in the langorous crowd
Strive
to be part of the old and you'll be part of the new
I
read the first four pages [of the novel] and said 'this is not for me'
There
must be symbolism - is there symbolism?
I
didn't "quite like it" at all
I
have nothing of intelligence to add
I
missed that the house genie was a muse
So
much enigmatic Andri action
You're
a tense fascist
I
start seeing literary wank
It
wasn't turgid and boiled down
I
did enjoy the fact that there were frothing trees in there
I
wanted someone to beat them around the head to answer her questions
The
baby little prince sounded like a German shepherd or something. (Retort:
it was okay for Michael Jackson, what's your problem?)
There's
a something who might be a someone, who might not be the boy... I was
confused.
I
really enjoyed that the suits were the smartest things there
I
retitled this story for you: "I typed this story with one hand"
I
wish I lived on the planet Terrabong
I
didn't know he was a lizard. I thought he was a guy from the desert with
dry skin.
I
want lizard smells.
I
was really hoping it would be teal froth.
You
missed the opportunity for a fantastic zombie healing nscene.
As
soon as I read a fantasy story with a healer in it, I wonder if there's
going to be a goatherd and a robe.
Tits.
Explosion. Bang. Explosion.
You
got one semicolon right, but I think it might have been an accident.
Don't
ever use a semicolon again.
These
are the ones with the shooting boobs.
I'm
not saying I don't like it. I'm saying, 'what the fuck'?
Wipe
its bum, make it smaller and it'll be fabulous
When
I got to Assman, I was on planet Terrabong
Why
is Ratso's accent Texan?
Why
don't you just pervert it more?
You
have a black G-string which becomes crimson panties on the next line.
Fuck
the redemption.
If
they're nano dentures, what do they do - wipe his bum?
Give
me a fuck, don't give me a frick.
Cut
the end to where the suits walk off into the sunset together.
I
read it with my hands over my eyes.
It
has under the top dialogue.
A
laser gun would be absolutely silent
This
is Kerry Packer stranded on an alien planet
I
was hoping they'd eat the dead spacers, there was protein in there
I
want the techy guy to live
Maybe
the chef was fat, and they could eat him
Axe
those actors and get the good ones in
It's
a fantasy with a copule of aliens and a spaceship in it
I'm
expecting more mutants in the gene pool
Kill
enough people so the lifepodes will hold the rest
Have
they got something better to do than survive, or what?
I
love it. What does it mean?
It
has a Delphic splendour.
I
am not a town.
You
started with a dangling modifier
Get
rid of the tail, that's your problem
We
need teal ants.
We
are the pollinators
A
brief snatch of her inner thighs...you may want to change that.
Love
the backpacker on acid genre
Christian
viruses were trying to take over your story
Congratulations,
you passed my visceral pleasure test
If
it was indeed a mermaid.... who can straddle!
Beautiful,
enigmatic, loved it. Buggered if I knew what happened.
You're
trying to throw me off, make me think of symbolism or something.
If
there was a market for it, I'd write philosophical technological dialogue
between people in speculative worlds all the time.
It
was a very good "I am your father" story... it was "I am
all of your fathers".
It
was a knitting moment for me.
Who's
this guy, going around impregnating everyone? Oh... it's me.
I
gave this story five parole points and an early release.
I
don't know if it it's just me, but I have nothing to say.
Synchronised
pacing would be good
Any
jail that involves sewing is truly hell on earth
Is
nothing sacred? The Mandelas, Kafka, teal... purple muumuus
If
you can have death at the end of your story, you can do anything you want
You
lost me with the virgins
Oh
my God I have a penis..then it all went flat.
We
have BO in North America.
I
thought there'd be a dark coven of baggage handlers.
That
whole thing is just dripping with detail ...in my head.
Is
this a week 3 story or what?
They
were great wank scenes. I was really impressed.
I'm
surprised sometimes that I don't see sex vans pulling up in front of houses
on the North Shore. They buy everything else.
If
they were worrying about cheap Chinese knock-off unicorns, why go to Kuala
Lumpur?
They'd
be serving unicorn on a bed of potato, with mushroom jus
I
wanted a catalogue of Borghese beasts
Because
he's a marketing guy he'd go for something a bit more kinky than a scrubber
I
lost track of who was talking. Then I sat down and worked it out, and
found you'd lost track too.
We
were laughing, because we're bad people.
You've
forgotten to put in the pedicurist and the nasal hair trimmers.
Find
a plot. Just the one. (Retort: never!)
At
the start, I thought I was in an insane asylum.
He's
a telemarketer, then he's a stunt pilot, and his brain's ejecting
There's
not enough slime mold in modern science fiction
You
know how into sex toys I am
He
was just a sword fighter with infrared vision
I
like a bloke with a cat in his lap. Wait...
He
would have shed 27 litres of blood at least, more than he has in his whole
body
Fuck.
He's ended up with a cat.
Everything's
solved by oral sex.
I
didn't need the pants scene.
I
understand it develops her entry into him.
Speaking
as somebody who has wondered what it's like to be a bloke....
All
the stories after this will be undangled.
I
have some nits to pick and also some bigger insects to squish.
The
bipolar staircase page doesn't work.
If
something was in my head, I'd be going, 'what's it doing now'?
I
downloaded a lot of B52 porn from the net.
Week
4
Of
course there's a strange uncle who wants to help you off your partner.
The
human head on the bayonet is upside down; it's something you'd definitely
notice
You
can get good sex almost anywhere
Just
fuck the corpse already
I
hesitate to say I enjoyed it
German
cockroaches - I had pictures of them marching and singing Deutchsland,
Deutchsland Uber Alles
I'm
so glad someone put in a corpse-fucking story
Lose
the flea farts and the roach penises
Last
week, when I said "pervert the story"...this isn't what I meant
Qualified
gender based anti-ditto
I
feel like a dirty pervert, but I quite like this story
Our
kangaroo gets an erection every time one of us pats it
The
call of the yoghurt
If
it's unhealthy cereal, her partner will die
Ditch
the subtlety, man
The
cereal was not a killer
Some
of the sentences just go thunk and then splat on the floor
It's
extremely complex and it's beyond all of you
There
was God and praying in that cereal box
How
can you totally forget what you've totally forgotten?
He's
an incredibly kinky angel, and I want to know if he does house calls
Are
the vegetables some kind of code?
That's
how outcasts are made, they shag the angels
I
have read angel porn
I
see this as a razor no 2 moment - there's still more hair to go before
you get to Michael Klim's head
I
felt let down because there's no 'kill kill kill'
"Fuck
me hard", that's just the winner
Some
ditto...ish....ness
At
the end I said wow. Then...Hang on?
I
antiditto your antiditto
I'm
going to unpack it, I just don't know what to unpack it with
If
he's magical, does he have to poo?
He
came, she had a good time, he left and she got good vegies
I
wanted her to go from stoic to vibrant, but not because of the man
The
dog finds and rolls in the blowfish, and you rolled on the angel
She
goes a bit McGuyver to drag him home with her
I'd
like to see her lust expressed more... more... more!
If
an angel shits in your garden, grow big pumpkins
Make
short sentences your friend
That's
it from me... and also...
Two
heads and five hands is too much
It's
very "eldritch in the stygian gloom"
Your
comma use is kind of idiosyncratic
You're
going to grow up and have one very big eyebrow just like your father
You
use ass. Maybe there's animal fucking going on and the donkey's running
away?
jI
didn't have to speed read this and hold it out like that in front of me.
The
and is an ablative adjective.
You're
abusing your power.
It's
all about passion, this story should drip with it.
I'm
not sure about three serves of tuber poetry.
You
can't have too much menace because it's a good potato.
We
need to cast doubt on the potato
The
potato isn't sinister at all
The
biggest threat facing our hero is an old folks' bus tour
If
you're going to sacrifice a child, then you do use the veins
OK,
that's it.... I loved your end.
It's
a generic every-potato woman
I'm
dealing out my third "totally fucking fantastic" crit for Clarion
"mmm...mmm..mm...mmmm"
(song sung by potato with no mouth)
Let
me try and comfort you with two melons
You
get teal points
I
got to the end and looked blankly at my blank wall
It
was boring until we got to the daisy vomiting
The
V8 was a panacea. Hmm.
That
story is a non-saliva zone.
When
he doesn't say nice things, he spews up V8 engine parts
It's
the chest burster from Alien holding a bunch of daisies
Just
bing... bing... info: that's for you
There
are people who shouldn't be reading fairy stories
Plumbing,
plumbing, plumbing..fairies...oh
don't bloody write that down
I'm
going to put a Drip Tray spin on that
What's
in it for the elf?
I
have no sense of humour when it comes to people picking on Orlando
There's
a loon out there on the lake with a meat cleaver and a hook
I
had the choice of fleshing it out, or flesh. (Clarionite who just finished
a conjugal visit)
There's
a Malibu Stacey collection in this story
Maybe
she should commit suicide. Then we don't have to read about her.
He
should have blasted her with a laser cannon. She deserves it.
I
need it decoded enough so that the thick people get it.
Living
with 16 people, I wanted a planet of my own.
I
love it. But I don't get it.
This
story has been enjargonated.
You
have a trinity of unfamiliarity
Sentence
fragments. Bad boy. Stop it.
I
have a new title for this story: I have no choof but I must write drug-affected
prose
You
call a nuke a shmeerp
Cooking
with spices is dangerous
A
buried watermelon is a buried watermelon
I
have Drip Tray envy
Week
5
Put
the monster in and kill it
"Oh
Brad...take me away from all of this"
The
evil book strikes again
I
woke up, and it was all a wet dream
You're
fucking me on the sentences
He
took out his blerksnart and farted
I'd
like to consider myself and mensch, and I ain't got a metal ding-dong
She
should think of her in some kind of crustaceanesque way.
On
page 9, there are a lot of I, I, I, Is: a Mexican hat dance
Could
you knnit a little woollen robot with glitter thread?
Perhaps
she could knit the anti-Christ?
What
we're doing is fucking with people's babies... no, screwing around...
oh you guys shut up
The
ninjas should wear black mourning suits
A
really daggy old Iron Maiden T-shirt would be more Amish
I'm
just dittoing your ditto of me
All
I've got is a bucket of dittos
This
story had holes in it... and that was my hole
We
want Ritalin!
We're
tired gnarly animals
You
appear to have somewhat domesticated the comma
Some
depurpling is required
If
you gotta have a joint afterwards to relax, you're not doing it right
This
story was a brainfart.
When
you do exactly as I tell you to do it'll be fine
It's
beautiful, it's poetic, it's a big fat fucking infodump
Fuck
everybody else, just stay with the story
Just
ignore the fact that lots of things I'm going to say don't make sense
It's
a biscuit-splatter movie with masticating
I
came out with a strong sense of fellatio
Thorax
glands are boobies!
The
ultimate slap at Derrida at the end is alien cunnilingus
Feral
creatures - let's focus!
I'm
very confused about the sex in this story
Where
you say "it begins", why not just begin it there?
I
didn't get it, but listening to everyone else, I think it's fantastic
You
need some alien rumpy pumpy in there.... cloaca sex
I'd
be happy with Christ in there having sex with your mum, smoking a cigarette
Bring
the red into specificity - don't leave it as a big general redness
When
I first read this, I read it as a normal story
I
have a special affinity for ping pong cunt
I
promise I won't do one of those lectures that's supposed to go for ten
mintues but goes on late into the night
Your
life would be enriched by the introduction of commas
I
was intrigued by the groin tentacle
There
are some people - maybe more than I thought - for whom there can never
be enough groin tentacles
The
sentence is one of those collective hallucinations that gives us all great
pleasure
Maybe
he could run off with the sewing machine
I
didn't think you screwed me around as much as you could've. Use your tentacle.
It's
grammatically fucked.
You're
adding a whole layer of "ew" to it without getting in anyone's
face
That's
a real fucking sentence, man
I
congratulate you on leaving out your signature fart
Give
her a day before you go feral, okay?
Don't
look at me like that. I've done my research
That's
the kind of symbolism I understand - a zap to the groin.
Week
6
She
had no head or arms, how did she speak?
Tentative
girder is another version of groin tentacle
And one more
thing...
The title:
you're a wanker and I love it
Sex up the
prose
More
evil please
A bit of
lesbian building sex
This was
where I made a terrible mistake
You can call
me an asshole
I've been
caught without my brain this morning
There's not
enough filth
There
should be at least one sheep with come-hither eyes
The taste
of cock does not stay on your cock that long
Oh
God, there's stale cock in the fridge again
This is heinous,
and I am appalled
I
never thought I'd say this, but I think this story needs a sheep shagging
scene
They're the
persauders of the sheep shagging generation
I didn't
mind the stale cock and the shit in the bed
Does rat
copulation stink?
I was too
scared to filth it up
I had this
vision of ten million zombies wandering about the planet
Excellent
description of eating cuttlefish
Why weren't
they interviewing the dead?
I get that
big beefy thing happening on both sides
Mmm, it's
about flying pigs
Find
that plot, and then you're laughing
I'm going
to ditto the dittoes of the dittoes
I
had to read it four times to like it
I sort of
anitditto the call for plot. It was a Simpson's Halloween special
I wanted
to see the bishop rooting pigs
He has a
porkiphilia thing going on
Why would
she cover her dress with a cloak of raven feathers? Is this the sort of
thing you'd wear to a job interview?
As
soon as I know where this story is going, I'll know if I enjoy it or not
The nose
like a thunder egg should really be a geode
Have I used
my two minutes up yet?
Don't you
dare change that
You teased
us with teh sea serpent
Point of
view violation, ten demerit points
Time travel
meets fur seals
I'm always
happy for there to be a pistol in the story
You
should language it different
You've got
this big purple vulva in the sky, and you're dropping children through
it and shooting a canon at it. Just thought someone should point out the
symbolism
Let me retreat
into some geekness here
This shits
on all your other work
I figured
out what's wrong with the story - it's me
This
is the perfect thing to read when you have a temperature
God,
aliens and ping pong, a natural combination
This
guy has a very confused penis
If someone
drops their pants and flashes their sac to me, I'm not going to be having
a really close look
I didn't
believe the angels would be engaging in childish games of subterfuge
It's like
me trying to rape a Barbie doll
Give me a
description of how hairy the balls are
She
should be leaking fluorescent teal KY jelly
They'd send
their robots over and take the baby
That's a
mighty strange penis you have there
I
thought you could send one of your anti-Christs in after your sentence
fragment
I loved everything,
except the Brendan moment
They were
either drunken dogs or iron wielding barbarians
This
story is the textual version of interprative dance
I think it's
about four women lusting for swords
I can't tell
if you're piss taking or not
I wasn't
informationed up enough
The vomit
eating scene: thanks for that
If your'e
really lucky, you might stumble over a dead body
I really
hated it and I want that two minutes of my life back
Sweet nectar:
no thank you
The virgin
trope and the Mills and Boon lengths and shafts have got to go
I could be
a love piston
I love the
sex scene, except for the missing cock
I could've
sworn I inserted a cock there somewhere
You need
a monster mechanic
I did not
stop reading viagra
Clintonesque
virgins - please
I
wanted the monster to get loose and kill all the people in Rootsville
You should
reverse engineer the monster
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